However...
There are 1001 things that have been in motion since about 12 years ago, which has completely changed the direction of many peoples lives. My mother lost a son, to a far away, strange and foreign land. I lost friends, family, and everything behind. A huge decision. One that almost didn't have a happy ending.
In a 3 month stretch I came to the States. I fell totally in love with a woman. She got pregnant. I had to leave. While home I told my friends of the plans I had, and what had happened while gone, and how I felt. I was about to leave. 1am on what was Thanksgiving 2004. I had a suitcase, a backpack on my shoulders, and a bus ticket in my hand.
I knew at the tender age of 20, that my life was changed, in a way I would never understand. 2 of my close fiends, Laura and Sian were there to see me off. They listened to me, as I spewed everything from my head at how my world was changing. How my plans for world domination would not happen. How mad I was at myself for all this happening.
Sian told me that I had to make a choice right there and then. The bus was pulling in. For me, or for Sarah. Laura started her car, and opend the passenger door. Both told me that if I got in that car, not only would I lose Sarah, but my family, and my friends.
I got on that bus.
I would like to say that it was a happily ever after situation, but it wasn't. Things were rough for us, in the months that followed. In fact from November 2004, to May 2005, things were about as bad as they could get. 2 young people, getting to know each other properly. One a coward in a far away land, and one hormonal as her body changed with a baby growing inside of her. There were fights, there were screaming matches, but as soon as Rebekkah was born, my fears, my doubts about the person I would become vanished. At least outwardly.
Then were the harsh years. 6 years of relying in Sarah for everything. 6 years where I bitched and moaned about how unfair life was on me. How we (A.K.A. Sarah) were going to come up with a plan, and we (A.K.A. Sarah) would pull it off. She worked her arse off. She had stress coming out of everywhere, and all I did was complain about my hand in all this. I loved her, but I put it all upon her. She had to come up with all the plans, and she would pull them off. I couldn't or wouldn't help her.
Unintentionally, I treated her like complete crap. Total crap. The kind of crap where all your good intentions somehow work, but the side effects hurt the people you love and care about. What was worse? You couldn't see that not only you were doing it, but how much it was devistation to the people around you. I took it all from her. Her ambitions, dreams, mind, body and soul. I gave her love, I gave her more than love, but I also took away her spirit, and dare I say, her.
While complaining about my lack of social time, I didn't see that she had it the same.
While complaining about lack of money, I didn't see how she struggled to keep us in house and home.
While complaining about doing clothes, supper and housekeeping, it didn't register that she spent all her time working, in a job that was emotionally draining her.
I was selfish and naive.
It's nearly 10 years to the day, that while on the phone I told her I loved her. Several months after phone calls, emails and letters had been exchanged, for a chance meeting, in a pub, where she was drenched in my drink. 10 years. It's a long time. Our kid will be 9 her next birthday, and our son will be 7. That's how quick time has flown.
That's why I have to change as a person. Not just for me. She deserves a husband who is the best he can be. I want to die a man, who was worth sacrificing her life for, and not a guy feeling guilty about wasting some of that sacrifice, by complaining, and bitching. It's taken me a few years to put it straight in my head. It's taken me this long to see it.
There is a guy who I work with called Tommy. He told me something last year that was potent. He said that ALL men when they get around 30 have a revelation on life. My kids deserve better from me. I deserve to be better for my kids. And Sarah?
No words can describe how I feel about this woman. I try. But I can't. I still have butterflies, and have all that gooey stuff that Newley in love people have. She is a very kind, gentle spirited person. She is someone who would give you the shirt off her back just to make you happy. With me, that has been a weekness. I am wearing many of her shirts, and she is cold. She is a saint in my eyes, and I have treated her crappy.
We seldom argue. We have a great understanding between us, and on the whole we are happy. But this guilt eats away at me, that when it comes to the changes in our lives, they were forced not chosen. Now it's time to give back. Intentions are good. But in,y when acted on. Can I say I will completely change, and give her the husband she deserves? I don't know. Can I say I will do my best? I will try.
But of course there is no try...