Come on TRY a Little...

Inspiration comes from many places. Some people get their inspiration from the strength of others. I don't. I hate to say that this is me, but when it comes to how things directly affect me, I am selfish. I can't picture "Strapping my family to an electric chair, and my action will prevent the switch being thrown!" That doesn't help me move, because of 2 reasons.

- I know that if my family were in a position of life or death, I would move heaven and earth to make sure that they would be fine, and my actions would mimic Jason Bourne, vs. Silent Bob, but I would get the job done.

- I am a literal creature in a lot of ways, and I know that they would never be in a position where they are kidnapped, and faced with a life or death situation, that extreme. I know I am paranoid, and think of the worse a lot of the time, but even that is a stretch.

So things like that don't bring out the underdog, hard working guy in me. All it does is make me roll my eyes, because John Connolly cannot think like that. Now that's not to say that the situation can bring out the warrior in someone, but for me, I can't do it, which is ironic given my love of RPG's.

So how do I get my inspiration to make John Connolly, a world beater? Well for me it comes in a few places.

- Gradual realization. Is that a good thing. Of course not. However the gradual realization of that the world around me is moving forward, and I am stuck in a self imposed quicksand, takes a while and when it hits, it hits. I am at the end point of my gradual realization period, meaning I know what I want, and I am going to get it. I've told myself that, but I actually believe it this time...

- Artistic Slaps in the face. This may sound stupid, but I have always taken an inspirational look at things from the thoughts of Song tellers (not songwriters), and fictional characters, more specifically their back stories. In the last 24 hours, a fictional character, and Jakob Dylan have basically shown me what I am going to be like if things do not change.

First we have an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 15 of Series 6, (Spoilers (for a 23 year old TV Show) ahead) it tells the story of how Captain Picard's life would have changed, based on him not being stabbed in the back (literally), a situation he regrets. He went from this man of power, influence, intelligence, and bravery, to a timid man, who was always playing it safe, and never taking any risks. Upon realizing this, Picard wishes that his life returns to how it was, because "I can't live out my days as that person. That man is bereft of passion... and imagination! That is not who *I* am!"

Now that quote stuck with me a little. Now I am not saying I am a hardcore space adventurer, with minions running around after me, while I hog the glory, but that coupled with a lyric that played this morning made me excited, scared, and triggered a slap in my face, that I either needed, or wanted.

The band "The Wallflowers" are like a lot of the bands on my playlist. A couple of their best songs here or there, buried in the 4000+ tracks. But the song "One Headlight" played. I have heard this song hundreds of times, and hell at one point tried to make a loop of it. I am already feeling slightly contemplative, when the below lyrics hit me...

"For So Long
I feel just like somebody else,
Man I Ain't Changed,
But I know I Ain't The Same"

I know I was not always the life and soul of the party. I know I had a worry streak a mile long, and I know that I have felt like that most of my life from teenage years. But I also know I wasn't THIS uptight, and THIS worried about everything, and THIS serious. I don't feel like I have changed, but I know I'm not the same. I had lost my passion. I had lost my imagination. Would 32 year old me, drop everything, and run away to be with the love of their life? Would 32 year old me, still be sitting at Mam's house, talking bollocks like "This time next year Rodders..."

32 year old me wants to start a new chapter in his life. He has a passion for talking, but doesn't want to risk it. Doesn't want to break out from the pack. doesn't want to try. Inside, the 20 year old me is screaming at me. He said "I live I breathe I sleep for my dreams, I'm gonna die for my dreams, because I won't let them fade away..."

So while I can't picture a Scenario like Taken on my kin, I've learned through 2 unlikely sources, that I am uninspired, timid, and while I feel like I haven't changed much, in fact, I have changed so much, that if I felt this way at 20... Well I shudder to think.

For the first time, I believe what I am saying. I feel like I have let a lot of people down. I know I have let myself down. My family do deserve a better Dad/Husband. Now comes the process of change. I know what I want to do, now I work at it. Slow progress at the start, but progress. It's better to move forward slowly, than stand still.

State of Health - A Wakeup Call to Arms...

I have been meaning to post about this, as in the last few weeks, I have shared a lot of things about the status of my health.  It seems thats all i post about latley.  I Just needed to admit some things to myself.

Sadly in the last 3 weeks, my health has taken a severe turn for the worse.  IT looks like that all of my health problems, are caused by Sleep Apnea. For the last 14 years at least, I Have not had a restful night sleep.  However it gets worse...

I have a severe case of sleep apnea.  180 events in a 25 minute period. That means i stopped breathing, choked, deprived Oxygen to my brain basically.  This lack of sleep has lead me to have Migraines, Blackouts, Seizures, Mental Breakdowns, and the like.

As some of you saw a few weeks ago, the video i posted was a worrying sign. What some of you do not know, is that a week ago, the neurologist believes that i has a Reversable Stroke in my sleep.  I woke up and the right hand side of my face, and body just didnt work.  Unless i change my lifestyle and get on a cpap machine asap, i could die in my sleep. If i dont change my diet, excersize habits, ill not make it to 35.

So i wont have to answer a lot of questions...

1 - I dont sleep on my back to begin with, so sleeping on my side is not an option.

2 - I havnt excersized as much as i could/should, due to me actually not wanting to, as i was afraid it would screw my knees up more than they are. My knees look like you told a 4 year old what a knee kinda looks like, and they drew it based on that.

3 - I would get the CPAP machine, but right now finances are tighter than i have ever seen. Hopefully by the end of the day, i can get this sorted, so i can complete "Half the battle".

4 - It has taken this long to figure this out, as sleep studies were not a big thing 14 years ago, i was never tested for Sleep Apnea, until a few months ago. Plus the debate of Sleep Apnea Vs Size of person. Remeber i was 75lbs lighter than i am now, and the idea that a 120lbs kid would have this was laughable.

5 - Im posting not to gain sympathy, just to try and process all the crap going on in my head.

Thats your lot. Go forth and wonder.

How to deal with something when you don't know how.

You would think that 15 years is long enough. When you have been through the ups and downs of life, when something is with you for 15 years, an understanding of how to navigate all the situations you are put in, should be natural.  You hear people who have been doing thing for years saying something along the lines of "I've seen it all".

Today I happened to have the 2nd seizure in 7 days, and the 5th one of the year.  All in all that's seizure 213, not including blackouts, and stare outs. Also not included are the migraines, dizziness, and tinnitus that follow me daily.

Seizure 212 was tragic.  I took out my daughter when collapsing, and ended up in a laundry basket. Seizures have left me in a daze, where I couldn't sleep, and started hallucinating.

Random seizures have had me bump my head, and think I was home, confusing my daughter, for my niece.

I've had seizures at work, in hospital, in the car, watching TV, during food, at the beach, during sex, in a bath, in hallways. Each time, no rhyme, reason. Sometimes, I'll have a huge migraine, sometimes I'll black out. Sometimes I'll stare off into Oblivion, only knowing time has passed by the changing of songs, positions of people, or maybe not knowing.

After 15 years, I still have no idea when stuff will happen, and how I'm going to be on the other side. Sometimes I'm a walking zombie. Other times, I'll have the energy of a newborn foal, but be mentally coherent. I can have the energy of a hyperactive tigger, with the IQ of a turnip, or any and all in between.

Right now, I'm shaking bad. I'm wide awake. I'm typing this. To hone my thoughts. To show myself that this happens all the time, to people like me the world over. I have a lot to ponder, and for now, that's all I have to say.

Backhanded positivity. Or how I learned to do the best, while others caught the worst of it.

When people talk about their personalities, there are always that trait, that people are most prideful. Some people it's a caring attitude, others ambition, and some charisma.  I personally take pride in decency.  I take pride in the fact that I am not malicious, and will try and do the right thing at the right time, for not only me but for my family.

However...

There are 1001 things that have been in motion since about 12 years ago, which has completely changed the direction of many peoples lives.  My mother lost a son, to a far away, strange and foreign land. I lost friends, family, and everything behind.  A huge decision.  One that almost didn't have a happy ending.

In a 3 month stretch I came to the States. I fell totally in love with a woman. She got pregnant. I had to leave.  While home I told my friends of the plans I had, and what had happened while gone, and how I felt.  I was about to leave.  1am on what was Thanksgiving 2004. I had a suitcase, a backpack on my shoulders, and a bus ticket in my hand.

I knew at the tender age of 20, that my life was changed, in a way I would never understand.  2 of my close fiends, Laura and Sian were there to see me off.  They listened to me, as I spewed everything from my head at how my world was changing.  How my plans for world domination would not happen. How mad I was at myself for all this happening.

Sian told me that I had to make a choice right there and then.  The bus was pulling in. For me, or for Sarah.  Laura started her car, and opend the passenger door.  Both told me that if I got in that car, not only would I lose Sarah, but my family, and my friends.

I got on that bus.

I would like to say that it was a happily ever after situation, but it wasn't.  Things were rough for us, in the months that followed.  In fact from November 2004, to May 2005, things were about as bad as they could get.  2 young people, getting to know each other properly.  One a coward in a far away land, and one hormonal as her body changed with a baby growing inside of her.  There were fights, there were screaming matches, but as soon as Rebekkah was born, my fears, my doubts about the person I would become vanished.  At least outwardly.

Then were the harsh years.  6 years of relying in Sarah for everything.  6 years where I bitched and moaned about how unfair life was on me.  How we (A.K.A. Sarah) were going to come up with a plan, and we (A.K.A. Sarah) would pull it off.  She worked her arse off.  She had stress coming out of everywhere, and all I did was complain about my hand in all this.  I loved her, but I put it all upon her.  She had to come up with all the plans, and she would pull them off.  I couldn't or wouldn't help her.

Unintentionally, I treated her like complete crap.  Total crap.  The kind of crap where all your good intentions somehow work, but the side effects hurt the people you love and care about. What was worse? You couldn't see that not only you were doing it, but how much it was devistation to the people around you.  I took it all from her.  Her ambitions, dreams, mind, body and soul.  I gave her love, I gave her more than love, but I also took away her spirit, and dare I say, her.

While complaining about my lack of social time, I didn't see that she had it the same.

While complaining about lack of money, I didn't see how she struggled to keep us in house and home.

While complaining about doing clothes, supper and housekeeping, it didn't register that she spent all her time working, in a job that was emotionally draining her.

I was selfish and naive.  

It's nearly 10 years to the day, that while on the phone I told her I loved her.  Several months after phone calls, emails and letters had been exchanged, for a chance meeting, in a pub, where she was drenched in my drink.  10 years.  It's a long time.  Our kid will be 9 her next birthday, and our son will be 7.  That's how quick time has flown.

That's why I have to change as a person.  Not just for me.  She deserves a husband who is the best he can be.  I want to die a man, who was worth sacrificing her life for, and not a guy feeling guilty about wasting some of that sacrifice, by complaining, and bitching.  It's taken me a few years to put it straight in my head.  It's taken me this long to see it.

There is a guy who I work with called Tommy.  He told me something last year that was potent.  He said that ALL men when they get around 30 have a revelation on life.  My kids deserve better from me. I deserve to be better for my kids.  And Sarah?

No words can describe how I feel about this woman.  I try.  But I can't.  I still have butterflies, and have all that gooey stuff that Newley in love people have.  She is a very kind, gentle spirited person.  She is someone who would give you the shirt off her back just to make you happy. With me, that has been a weekness.  I am wearing many of her shirts, and she is cold.  She is a saint in my eyes, and I have treated her crappy.

We seldom argue.  We have a great understanding between us, and on the whole we are happy.  But this guilt eats away at me, that when it comes to the changes in our lives, they were forced not chosen.  Now it's time to give back.  Intentions are good.  But in,y when acted on.  Can I say I will completely change, and give her the husband she deserves? I don't know.  Can I say I will do my best? I will try.

But of course there is no try...

Response to an old pro.

As people who know me know, i hate confrontation.  I'm sure a lot of us do.  Lately i have tried to avoid confrontation at all costs, simply due to how my Epilepsy has developed (More on another post).

This morning i pulled up my Twitter this morning, i saw 2 people having a debate that seemed reasoned discussion about the benefits of Futsal in youth training in football (soccer for you American readers).  This form of football is (in youth football) used by the Spanish and Dutch youth systems, both of whom produce some of the most technically adept players on the planet.

Considering all the posturing about Youth Football in England, and the commission set up by Greg Dyke to improve youth standards.  You would think that an ex pro who has just been appointed Youth Coach, at a club where the fans think he was a legend, would have some humility, as he is part of the setup that brings through young players, and would be opened to reasoned debate at the idea of the use of an alternative method of training for young players.

Well that was not the case.  Below are parts of the conversation between...

Myself who only played (Albeit very badly) in youth football with Afan Lido. I started out as a Midfielder, and was awful.  I changed to a Goalkeeper, and went from Awful, to Poor.  I was a decent shot stopper.  One save i made had the rest of the team, who was training at the other end of the dip, watching in awe.  My ability as a footballer got steadily worse, and at 15 i had to pack it in.  My knees looked and functioned worse than Terry Funk's.  Its also worth stating that Afan Lido's youth program in terms of setup was one of the best in Welsh Football at that time, and arguably in the top 5 now.  However like most things in the late 90's Welsh youth football, the facilities were awful.

It was in one of the poorly arranged and poor facilitated training sessions that i received a massive kick in the head, which to this day i have never fully recovered, and what i totally believe enhanced my Epilepsy.  (For more info check this link).  Since then i have been an armchair fan, but have helped out at my kids futsal team when she played.

It was there that i saw how one touch passing, movement, and dribbling were far better at 8 year old level, than they were at the 15 year old level i was last playing in.  I will elaborate more below.

I have kindly been given permission to use the tweets of Rhys, and I's initial conversation (Which admittedly admit to sicking my oar in), with the pro.  Rhys is currently an apprentice coach at Tottenham, and even from his idea's in the conversation, and there is no question in my mind, that he will go very far in the world of coaching.

As for the Old Pro, well i did not ask for his permission to recreate the tweets, however seen as it is all on public record, and mentioning me at all stages, i have recreated.  Who is the old pro?  None other than Lee Trundle.  For those who don't know, Lee had an 18 year career in football, half of which was spent in the Football league, playing for Wrexham, Swansea, Bristol City, Leeds, and Preston, and half in non-league football for clubs in Wales and England, ranging from Neath and Southport.  Its also worth pointing out that Lee is considered a legend at Swansea.

A simple idea.

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty If the 2 countries who produce the most technically adept players use it, they must know something we don't...
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

Not disrespectful. Just a point, and a valid one at that. The UK does not produce skillful players in the level of Spain and Holland. At my job, i have been told "Find who the best are, and do what they do".

@welshjrc1984 @RhysAlmighty what level of football have you 2 been involved in?
— Lee Trundle (@LeeTrundle10) October 26, 2013

A needles jab. I have always found that people who cannot answer things without resorting to "Superiority", or "Insulting" you, have no answer to your argument.

@LeeTrundle10 @welshjrc1984 I've only been involved in kids football as a coach, and now learning more of my trade at Spurs.
— Rhys (@RhysAlmighty) October 26, 2013

That is how things are supposed to go. You learn your trade, and rise through the ranks, like say Jose Mourinho, or Andre Villas-Boas. 2 guys with no experience as players.

@LeeTrundle10 @welshjrc1984 I don't know
— Rhys (@RhysAlmighty) October 26, 2013

@LeeTrundle10 @welshjrc1984 if it helps their ability and skill, then why don't we use it?
— Rhys (@RhysAlmighty) October 26, 2013

A couple of legitimate questions and answers, although kids aged 9-14 should be nowhere near an 11 a side pitch. When kids play in "Cages" as they say in Spain, or on the streets of Brazil with no shoes, and a coke can, they learn better skills.

@RhysAlmighty @welshjrc1984 you wasn't asking why don't we use it though,you said it's helps 11 a side?
— Lee Trundle (@LeeTrundle10) October 26, 2013

@LeeTrundle10 @welshjrc1984 I'm asking cos you conceded it helps kids skill and ability. So if it helps, why don't clubs in UK use it more?
— Rhys (@RhysAlmighty) October 26, 2013

Again this is an apprentice coach asking a youth coach at an English Premier League football club, why a technique that 2 of the most technically adept youth cultures use, is not used in England.

That was the end of Rhys' involvement in my part of the conversation. Again i thank him for letting me use his tweets. This point forward these are my responses to Lee, and my explanation of the context i was thinking at the time.

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty I have been a volunteer coach for Elementary school in the area. Methods and facilities far better.
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

This was my initial response to Lee's tweet.

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty considering I have knees like an 80 year old, and severe epilepsy caused in a youth match....
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

This was an additional, and unneeded tweet, and an insult from Lee, which was truthfully replied to. There is a little more, as 140 letters were not enough to finish what I was saying.

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty it's been a while. However insults in an argument or belittling is above me.
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

The next 2 tweets show why there are problems with British Coaches. One dimensional thinking, and a lack of knowledge of other worldwide coaching methods. Its little wonder why Dutch Ray refers to the UK's coaching methods and attitude as Jurassic Park.

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty American youth coaches don't believe in being one of the lads, as opposed to the youth coaches my bros had.
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

The people who trained myself, and my brother, and my friends and everyone who i knew when playing football was the same. They tried to get the kids on their sides, and pick favourites.  They were essentially amateur coaches, who had filed to hit the top.

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty mate over here, the coaches don't step in the field, yet youth football is more competitive. Scholastic...
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

In the States, the scholastic program of youth sport is phenomenal. High School kids, have a real shot at the top, with the right attitude, and talent. The world is extremely cutthroat, and extremely competitive. Its no wonder why in the last 20 years the US teams in football have become a regular top 20 teams.  Wales on the other hand have had an average position of 72 in the Fifa world rankings since their inception.  That's because American dad's are not yelling "Break his Fuckin' Legs" and "Hit it long!" to their kids.

Also coaches in the states don't run on the pitch every 2 seconds to show the kids "How its done".  If you can't pass, or tackle correctly, how are you supposed to show the kids how to do it?  They let the kid try and try, until they get it right.  They treat the kids as players, and not kids to be intimidated and in awe.  They also don't try to recreate their lost dreams as a player on them.

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty athletics is very cutthroat here. I've seen pros not be able to dribble, yet I a futsal arena...
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

@LeeTrundle10 @RhysAlmighty blitz past players in a tight space. He got on a full sized pitch, and was far better than what I have seen.
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

Typo in 1st tweet, should say "Yet in a Futsal arena", however the point remains.  This kid had 3 players backing into the wall, and with a piece of skill and close control, EASILY got out of that.  H didn't "Kick it to touch" as he would have been told here.  He played his way out of it.

@welshjrc1984 @RhysAlmighty how can you coach if that's the cause with you then?
— Lee Trundle (@LeeTrundle10) October 26, 2013

The tweets for a moment are a little disjointed, but bare with me.  The above question was also asked, to which the "One of the lad's" tweets tree came from.

@LeeTrundle10 and besides, David Bussd had a far worse injury than me, and he coaches...
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

For those who are younger, David Busst was a defender for Coventry who's leg was broken, shattered, and poking out of his skin, in an accidental collision with Peter Schmeichel, and half of the United Back line, who despite this came back as a coach, and played a couple of reserve games. Far worse than say dodgy knees, and a brain disorder.

@welshjrc1984 yes but he is not on here saying he has 80 year old knees and severe epilepsy!
— Lee Trundle (@LeeTrundle10) October 26, 2013

You are once again correct Lee. He is not.  Using Busst as an example of how my physical state has enabled me to help coach kids who want to play, and maybe one day get into an argument on a social media platform with a guy they looked up to.  Not for sympathy purposes.

@LeeTrundle10 you asked how high I have played. I have explained why I have not payed since 15.
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

Again all i am doing is answering questions. He asked how high I had played. So far its been someone who is trying to be superior, vs someone with a view different to his.

@LeeTrundle10 youth player at Afan Lido. I'll admit I wasn't the best of players, however NONE of my teammates made it to WPL...
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

I was probably the worst player on that team.  Also i think one or 2 of the guys made it to the Welsh football League, and i know one went on to play Rugby.

@LeeTrundle10 of course not. It was 11v11 hoof ball on facilities with a concrete drainage on the left wing, and dads picking their kids.
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

That is not a lie.  On the left wing (or right back depending on which half you were in), there was a 4ft by 4ft concrete square with a drain and a grill on it, ON THE FIELD.  Not to the side, no on the field.  Instead of moving the pitch 20 yards, the organisation put the pitch with a concrete bloody drain.  If those were the facilities, then of course we didn't play Futsal.

@LeeTrundle10 how many world class player do wales have, that are 26-32 as opposed to Spain or Holland?
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

That may not make sense, so allow me to elaborate. I am 29. If you take the 6 year radius in my age, (26-32) and compare the world class players that Wales and Holland have, or Wales and Spain, its a complete shambles.  With all due respect to the following guys, but Earnshaw was our best finisher.  The dutch and Spanish have RVP and Torres.  Simon Davis while a good Welsh pro, and a guy I liked as a player, is not in the same league as say Hernandez.  But yet they played on the "Same Pitches".  Torres and Bauza played on the same pitches, and even in the same tournaments.  One is at Chelsea, and one is at Port Talbot Town.  I guess they because they play in Blue, its close...

@LeeTrundle10 I would have had better training, and may have developed different skills. Probably wouldn't have.
— John Connolly (@welshjrc1984) October 26, 2013

This one does not make sense.  He is wanting to know if i would have made it in Spain with different coaching.  First thing is that i would have had better facilities to learn my trade as opposed to a patch of land known as "The Dip" which used no real equipment.  However i would never have made it  Not a chance.  I guess the answer he was expecting was either "Yes" or the whole "I would have had a shot".  No i would not have made it.

@welshjrc1984 it's called British weather.we can't do nothing about the pitches
— Lee Trundle (@LeeTrundle10) October 26, 2013

Again screwy conversation bit. This one is from the "Same Pitches" line.  According to Lee Trundle, a man who is a YOUTH COACH at a Premier League side, the problem with our facilities, is the weather.  That's a relief.  I thought our lack of top quality youth was from Shitty coaching attitudes, and old boys/lads network, and abysmal facilities, but no its nature...

@welshjrc1984 your the one moaning about the pitches.your either good enough or your not!
— Lee Trundle (@LeeTrundle10) October 26, 2013

There you have it, again avoiding the issue.  I bring up pitches and facilities, and he comes up with you have it or not.  I didn't have it.  We know that.  We have established that.  Injuries finally stopped the pathetic delusion that i had of one day making it.

@welshjrc1984 good job everyone got these injury's when they were 15 or we would have 1 million pro players #deluded
— Lee Trundle (@LeeTrundle10) October 26, 2013

And that was his last statement. For a YOUTH COACH to come out and spout the old "you have it or not" then mocking a kid who, while not going to go anywhere in football, who hasn't kicked a ball in an organised match in 15 years because of injuries, is very wrong.

The rest of the conversation is my reply...

At this point I was angry.  You see i am being spoken to by a man who's job is to promote his club, and teach skills to a bunch of kids, who are not so much raw, but jagged. Then polish them into a skillful player for the first team.  If this is his attitude,  have strong misgivings about the future of the Swansea Youth team.  As a smaller club, youth development is vital to the survival, especially as wages and transfer fees are spiraling out of control.

Also, to be insulting the fans who helped fuel his status as a legend, and also his reputation as a player, one that was spectacularly pissed away as Bristol City when it was quite clear he was out of his depth, is kinda ironic.  Mocking someone also for injuries ruining his non existent shot of making it, when it was a knee injury which ended his professional days is also ironic.  Mocking the level i made it to (Youth team at Local club) yet spending the majority of his Career in non league, is also ironic.

So Lee, while you are sipping from the pint you are drinking, (Paid for by the money made by fans like me) remember that I was there chanting your name with the fans.  However with your attitude towards changing methods, and your insistence on 11v11 on full pitches, i can see young coaches, like Rhys, who come in with Idea's that are fresh, feasible, and would improve the standard of football completely in the country, showing up people with "Jurassic Park" attitudes.

But then. "You either have it, or you don't".

Never Don't Give Up

When someone gets a tattoo, it's permanent.  The phrase "Never Don't give up" was tattooed onto some guy's bicep.its easy to mock at the shoddy grammatical implications, but at the same time, I think we all know what he meant.  Never give up, don't give up, it's all the same.  We know what he meant, and it's time to move on.

So what do we move on to?  A while back, I either read, listened to, or was told by someone, that "most men die at 30, but they are not buried until they are 80." That was a phrase that has been tattooed onto my brain for the last few months, especially as the dreaded 3-oh comes ever closer (6months and counting).

So what can be done about it?  Sometimes you need to look to where your advice is coming.  My advice has, strangely enough, come from, well, me.

Back when I was a teenager, I would write songs.  Not mopey emo songs, but what flowed from my brain, into my guitar, and onto paper, or into a computer microphone.  Last weekend I found buried in an old computers hard drive, a whole bunch of songs that I hadn't listened to in years.  Lyrics include...

"I won't let my dreams fade away" - (A Way Of Life)

"There's no need to be afraid, again" - (Outside)

"We're not going to run away from them, anymore" - (Anymore)

"I knew that my future, lied in schemes and lands so far away" - (Old Friends New Faces)

"You can fly like an Eagle, to all possibilities, and then soar like the eagle in the sky" - (in the sky)

For the first time, in a while, I started hearing some good advice.  Strangely it was coming from my 19 year old self.  It was me.  I was optimistic.  Nothing could stop me.  Nothing did.  I still here and I'm still fighting.  I have fought for almost everything in my life.  Family, education, freedom (My own that is), Friends, everything.  I have used the phrase "1 more fight left", which I now believe to be false.  I am a fighter.  I have never given up, and I choose not to in this instance.

Now here is the hard part.  Convincing a grown man, of 30, who the world has beat the crap out of a few times, to listen to a snot nosed burke, who sucked hard at the real world so badly, that he seized himself it of university.  Bt that kid had more than what I had.  He had supreme, albeit unfocused, optimism.  I know what I have to do, to point myself in the direction of what I want to do.  Do I ultimately listen to the fear and doubt that I hear every day?

Or do I listen to a person I can't let down, who will be hardest on me if I fail.  Myself.

That's why I should "Never/Don't give up"

Health Challenges

It's been a funny old thing, as I struggle to come to terms with the enormity of the task that is in front of me.  I want to provide a life for my family.  One that is free of stress and worry, and money worries, and just a life to do what I want when I want.  Until now that has been more or less lip service.

The last month has been a bit of a noodle scratcher if I am honest with myself.  Remember I started this blog to hold myself to accountability.  This however is something out of my shaking hands.

As most people know I am epileptic.  Not a big deal if for the last 10 years you have just tried your best to get on with it.  However, the last 4 weeks I have been getting more headaches, more dizziness, and more general symptoms.  My worst fear was confirmed not 2 weeks ago, when for the first time since July, I suffered a seizure.  Again not a big deal.  Some things, admittedly, will have to be put on the back burner for now, but other things have taken a sharp decline.  

Aside from my first one, this seizure has been the big one.  It's one has thrown me through the biggest loop I have ever been in.  2 weeks to the day, and I am still having dizzy spells, times of being totally incoherent, and for the first time ever, I have been a shaking wreck.  It's really noticeable in my. Right hand and arm.  When I sit down for long periods of time (Like at work for example) I start to rock in place.  Not the up and down rock of a weeping child, but, for lack of a term, a man dancing around on a chair, while sitting.

This has put a damper on some plans for this weekend.  It has also left me worried about what is going on.  I know that for now, I am going to have to put up with things.  But I will end on this.

So far this year, I have been sick, or have sabotaged myself.  The ironic thing is that I was feeling totally confident about my chances of succeeding.  I still do.  I fact I am sure more than ever, that this is the right path I am on.  I just have to be physically up to it.  2 months ago, I was mentally done.  Now I am mentally up for it as it were.  I find out this week how to handle the physical side.  Then no more lip service.  Just do it...

(Apologies for any typos.  It's hard to type with your typing finger shaking at eat keystroke.)

Focus

Last night I went out with my wife to run some errands. While she was doing her thing, I thought it would be a good time to see if I could find some like minded people, who wanted an opportunity to reach the top.

Sadly within 10 seconds of seeing the young couple, I headed the most bile bigoted statement come out of their mouth, and turned me off them, and then angry. It's 2013, and there are still people out there like that. In fact I am more surprised that I was as surprised as I was. Maybe because of the environments I surround myself with.

I did lose my focus for the rest of the day, and lost my thoughts.

Scumbags are out there, and they will never change, and always be the way they are. The quicker I learn this, the better. Don't let things out of my control affect me anymore...

In the next 30 days...

The next 30 days are to be as busy as I can ever remember. I have no schedule, but I know for a fact I will be as busy as I have ever been. The last week, I have has a sense of nervous excitement that I have not had in a long time.

The next 30 days will shape that. I have several habits that I need to change. Several habits I want to change. Several things that I SHOULD have started a long time ago. A half sleepless night with heartburn, and a sore feeling in the knees when I walked, means that I now know 2 things that I have to do this month. Here is a list of the next 30 day goals.

- Start a low Cholesterol diet. I have slightly elevated cholesterol, and I should have started this months ago. But last night finally convinced me of it.

- Start walking around the block every day. I live where there are 2 long roads that are ramrod straight, and are safe for walking down. In a few months I will be able to run down them.

- Enroll in driving school. As people may know I am epileptic, but the good thing is that I am almost 8 months seizure free, and on medication. I can now legally and safely drive.

- Become better at making my goals, and affirmations for the day. If I am honest with myself, I have made a horrible job with that over the last 4 months or so. I guess I was scared of looking at how I was failing. Not anymore.

- Be ready to take my securities test. March 31st was my deadline, and I am making that cut.

For today, I have a plan of study, planning, and a date with my son. Until next time...

Dealing with frustrations.

The last month has not been a good month for me. The last 3 weeks have been nothing but a test to my patience. A stomach bug, followed by an epidemic of the flu that took out my whole family, pushed me to the brink of cracking. However, I am lucky, in a way, that I kept my attitude 100% positive during that time.

I had just started to gain the momentum I needed to start to make. Difference with my family. I had 4 windows of activity (2 lunchtime & 2 evening), and I took advantage of 3. My results were not great, but I at least started. Then this plague hit me, and took ALL the wind out if my sails.

Now, could I have done more these last couple of days/weeks. Of course I could. However one of the paths of self improvement means that I can identify the weaknesses in me and work on them. Some people say a man does not express myself, and should carry on. However a bigger man has to look in the mirror, and say "this was a mistake, and how do I change it?"

Lessons Learned

-Preventive care is better than antibiotics.
-Even when out of the game, keep yourself in the game, by reading, or listening to cd's etc.
-Listen to advice when it is given.
-Open up to the people who can give you advice.

So that's all I have for tonight. Things are starting to look up.