Inspiration comes from many places. Some people get their inspiration from the strength of others. I don't. I hate to say that this is me, but when it comes to how things directly affect me, I am selfish. I can't picture "Strapping my family to an electric chair, and my action will prevent the switch being thrown!" That doesn't help me move, because of 2 reasons.
- I know that if my family were in a position of life or death, I would move heaven and earth to make sure that they would be fine, and my actions would mimic Jason Bourne, vs. Silent Bob, but I would get the job done.
- I am a literal creature in a lot of ways, and I know that they would never be in a position where they are kidnapped, and faced with a life or death situation, that extreme. I know I am paranoid, and think of the worse a lot of the time, but even that is a stretch.
So things like that don't bring out the underdog, hard working guy in me. All it does is make me roll my eyes, because John Connolly cannot think like that. Now that's not to say that the situation can bring out the warrior in someone, but for me, I can't do it, which is ironic given my love of RPG's.
So how do I get my inspiration to make John Connolly, a world beater? Well for me it comes in a few places.
- Gradual realization. Is that a good thing. Of course not. However the gradual realization of that the world around me is moving forward, and I am stuck in a self imposed quicksand, takes a while and when it hits, it hits. I am at the end point of my gradual realization period, meaning I know what I want, and I am going to get it. I've told myself that, but I actually believe it this time...
- Artistic Slaps in the face. This may sound stupid, but I have always taken an inspirational look at things from the thoughts of Song tellers (not songwriters), and fictional characters, more specifically their back stories. In the last 24 hours, a fictional character, and Jakob Dylan have basically shown me what I am going to be like if things do not change.
First we have an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 15 of Series 6, (Spoilers (for a 23 year old TV Show) ahead) it tells the story of how Captain Picard's life would have changed, based on him not being stabbed in the back (literally), a situation he regrets. He went from this man of power, influence, intelligence, and bravery, to a timid man, who was always playing it safe, and never taking any risks. Upon realizing this, Picard wishes that his life returns to how it was, because "I can't live out my days as that person. That man is bereft of passion... and imagination! That is not who *I* am!"
Now that quote stuck with me a little. Now I am not saying I am a hardcore space adventurer, with minions running around after me, while I hog the glory, but that coupled with a lyric that played this morning made me excited, scared, and triggered a slap in my face, that I either needed, or wanted.
The band "The Wallflowers" are like a lot of the bands on my playlist. A couple of their best songs here or there, buried in the 4000+ tracks. But the song "One Headlight" played. I have heard this song hundreds of times, and hell at one point tried to make a loop of it. I am already feeling slightly contemplative, when the below lyrics hit me...
"For So Long
I feel just like somebody else,
Man I Ain't Changed,
But I know I Ain't The Same"
I know I was not always the life and soul of the party. I know I had a worry streak a mile long, and I know that I have felt like that most of my life from teenage years. But I also know I wasn't THIS uptight, and THIS worried about everything, and THIS serious. I don't feel like I have changed, but I know I'm not the same. I had lost my passion. I had lost my imagination. Would 32 year old me, drop everything, and run away to be with the love of their life? Would 32 year old me, still be sitting at Mam's house, talking bollocks like "This time next year Rodders..."
32 year old me wants to start a new chapter in his life. He has a passion for talking, but doesn't want to risk it. Doesn't want to break out from the pack. doesn't want to try. Inside, the 20 year old me is screaming at me. He said "I live I breathe I sleep for my dreams, I'm gonna die for my dreams, because I won't let them fade away..."
So while I can't picture a Scenario like Taken on my kin, I've learned through 2 unlikely sources, that I am uninspired, timid, and while I feel like I haven't changed much, in fact, I have changed so much, that if I felt this way at 20... Well I shudder to think.
For the first time, I believe what I am saying. I feel like I have let a lot of people down. I know I have let myself down. My family do deserve a better Dad/Husband. Now comes the process of change. I know what I want to do, now I work at it. Slow progress at the start, but progress. It's better to move forward slowly, than stand still.